I need something new in my life. Something to fill the void that’s been left by the raping of my soul at the hands of this man. For rape it was: prolonged, exactingly executed, insidious. So prolonged they were, these multiple vicious rapes of my essence, my soul, my me-ness that I find myself, still, gasping for air and, when I take the air, finding myself surprised that I have the capacity to feel that breath going in, then coming back out. I’m surprised by the wonder that is life. Because I get to live it every single moment. I’d forgotten what that felt like and it feels good. It still surprises me how good it feels when I catch that goodness coming in, going out. I hope I never lose that sense of wonder. Then, only then, will he have defeated me. In the wake of these realisations, of this joy at being alive, I find I crave something new in my life that I can get my teeth in to, really pummel the shit out of, to create something that’s never existed before, to prove to myself that I’ve still got it in me. Can still tackle new things. With aplomb. I need this. For me. For my sanity. People ask how I can carry on, how I manage. I tell them, half jokingly, that the alternative is a road to destruction and that I can’t, simply can’t take that path. It’s not an option. What is an option – the only option – is to get out of this crazy-making frame of mind, to move forwards, not backwards or sidewards. Quit the what ifs and the if onlys. Those are for the weak, the uncommitted. I’m not weak, I am committed (that’s become my mantra). I can do this if I promise myself I can. I need this new, need this new thing, this newness like I’ve never needed anything before. With a thirst that’s insatiable. New. It’s become my obsession, this idea of creating something from nothing, something that’s never existed. If it takes an obsession to get me out of this place I’m in, this rabbit hole with only one positive way out, then I’m going to damn well get obsessed. Obsess me up. I’m ready. Ready to get the hell out of this bind. To somewhere new. Open arms, open mind, carry me onwards. To this somewhere new.