Dare I dare to be me?

FlowerDare

Dare I dare to be me? It feels quite audacious to even think it. Who am I? Who’s me? When you’re a domestic abuse survivor (and, yes, I do like the word survivor, because that was some tough kind of love I went through but I came through it and I think I’ve earned the right to use a positive label around myself), you’ve lost yourself so horribly, so terribly, you feel you’re not you. When the abuse included emotional abuse, when the abuser crawled inside your head, rubbing shit all over its walls, then you’re so stressed, so full of mental trauma, that it’s actually quite difficult – between reliving particularly horrid episodes and battling to forget – to remember who you were and forge a path back to that you. All the breadcrumbs were eaten years ago. By quite sinister predatory crows going by the names of Shame, Humiliation and the tough one, Mental Torture. It’s difficult to know when – how – to regroup when you’ve endured this. So the question becomes not ‘what am I going to do now (now you’ve escaped)’ but ‘where am I going to find myself again to be able to move on and then do something’? The ‘something’ kinda takes second place to the need to rediscover yourself and find firm footing, confidence-wise, to be able to feel able to move onwards. You take baby steps, baby baby steps, a new nail polish colour, little trips out on your own to give yourself a boost, new combinations of clothes you love, a slight sashay in your walk as you realise, once again, how much you love life. Then you start to think bigger. Bigger. Brighter. En grande. What’s the most audacious thing you could do? How would you feel if you did it? [All the while simply daydreaming it]. Your daydreams give you wings. You expand your reach. Dare that little bit bigger. You realise that, yes, of course you can dare to dare to be you. Because, wtf, you is all you have. You have to live you to the fullest. It’s pretty much an obligation. Ain’t no-one else gonna do it for you, babe, and you know you’re not one of those people who dies knowing they had things left un-done. If that thought doesn’t scare the bejeez out of you, then nothing else will. Get dreaming. Get dare-ing. Get daring. Damn right you’re going to dare to dare to be you. You owe it to yourself. And you’ve got a whole lot of wasted time to make up for.

[This was my response for today’s prompt for the 31 days of moving on challenge (‘dare’), which coincided, today, with Five Minute Friday. I spent 7 minutes (not 5) writing]

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18 thoughts on “Dare I dare to be me?

  1. zareenn3 says:

    I agree with every single word. I don’t think I have been subject to extreme abuse but emotional abuse yes. I feel so sorry for what you had to go through but so proud because you’re so strong.

    I love the title. Please keep writing like this. All my love, Zareen 🙂

    Like

  2. Chelsea says:

    I cannot fathom what you’ve been thru or how it must feel to pick up whatever pieces are left and start again, much less figuring you out while you go. I love that your a dreamer, but more than that your an achiever. There seems to be nothing you can’t do, and if for some reason you can’t right now- you the kind of gal who will work it out til you can. Your post are always so strong and motivating and full of beauty. Even without all that hardship, it can still be hard to find you, to be ok with who you are and to be daring, to believe in yourself and be brave enough to follow your dreams. I definitely struggle with it.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hia, I absolutely will find the way to figure it out, you’re 100% right. Thank you for your kind, kind, words….meant a great deal to me (another bad day today; I came home just now after having been out since 6am, just wanting to fall in to bed and your comment has cheered me no end….thank you. Thank you).

      Like

  3. I think I can appreciate why your daring new ideas are so important and hopeful. I applaud your strength and thank-you for sharing. A FMF friend.

    Like

  4. Melanie says:

    Thank you so much for sharing a glimpse into your story. For many years (while my husband was in seminary and first planting a church), I worked at a domestic violence advocacy organization. And while I don’t know the experience, I know of your bravery…..and that there is a beautiful soul that is made to bloom. Grateful our paths intersected on this Friday!

    Like

  5. Jeanie Tsang says:

    Hi Helen,
    I nominated you for an award, details at: http://jeanies-jargon.blogspot.sg/2014/10/one-lovely-blog-award.html
    ◠◡◠ 

    Like

  6. hopecarrart says:

    keep on keeping on! you are finding an honest voice in your writing and through it even I feel stronger.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hi Hope, thanks for your comment. It meant a great deal as, yes, this is definitely one of the more ‘honest’ pieces of writing on my blog. It’s definitely my voice, my authentic voice, in this post. [Thank you]

      Like

  7. Gosh I love you ☺ you are so open, honest and your writing is so raw! Sometimes I find I can only be me to the Max when I write my blog you know?! Otherwise I am only half of me…. The half that is so eager to please everyone ☺

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hia, yeah, I’ve come to the conclusion that you really only have ‘you’, as you’re the only one you can rely on, and so you’ve got to live ‘you’ to the full. Because you also only have one life. You don’t do yourself any favours by being shy, or living for others, or not going for what you want. Life’s so bloody short, and so bloody lovely, best to live it being oneself, I’ve decided! [Thank you for your comment – much appreciated!]

      Liked by 1 person

  8. i love your words. i love your courage. may GOD be with you!

    Like

  9. kristinkuda says:

    Love love love. You are such a brave soul!

    Like

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