I serendipitously stumbled upon a blog that has already helped me a great deal: Finding the Grace Within from Karen. She has a link-up, titled ‘Tuesdays at Ten‘ and this weeks word – Trust – resonated with me so I thought I’d join in. Here goes:
The dictionary defines it thus: “Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something”. Everyone has their own personalised definition of trust according to the paths their life has led them on and their perceptions of the things they’ve witnessed whilst walking those paths. Take me, for example. I trust very easily, because I prefer to believe that people are kind and are not out to trick or to hurt me. I don’t want to believe that the world and its inhabitants are untrustworthy. I don’t ever want to be in a position where I have to live my life cautiously around people because I’m convinced people are bad, that the world is bad.
Yes, I’ve been burned, many times. Simultaneously severely burned, taken aback and hung out to dry (recently). But I trust in my belief in some Universal karma that will ensure that what goes around comes around. People treat life badly, in the end, life will treat them badly. I don’t take people doing things that damages my trust in them as a personal insult, I prefer to view it as a slight against the Universe. I guess its a kind of in-built healing mechanism that allows me to brush off bad experiences, leaving them to the Universe to handle. People call it naivety. I don’t have a name for it, its just a position I instinctively assume, my default.
I’ve lived through – am still living through – many, many difficult situations, but I trust that the light – goodness – will prevail. It’s that trust that’s kept me going through many, many of my darkest nights, very many dark nights of the soul, where I’ve felt profoundly lost. So lost that one night, my body – for it was my body not my mind – dragged me to the foot of my bed and pushed me to kneel down in prayer, for the first time in my life. I prayed, for what felt like hours. I washed my soul of my troubles, gave thanks before everything, asked for help to be able to continue, for strength to be able to continue. I felt a light enter me, a light I suddenly remembered, in that moment, that I’d always felt, as a constant presence, many years ago, and a light that in that instant made me feel whole again. I felt cleansed, strengthened, filled with hope. It was like I’d found the missing bit of me and it felt wonderful.
I don’t know if this was God. But I trust whatever it was and I continue to kneel down in prayer, to give thanks to whatever it was, for guiding me so strongly, for protecting me in my – quite literal – hour of despair when my body, in desperation, led me to kneel and peel away the first layer of my troubles, to be able to lead the way to my first layer of healing.
I trust what I felt, I trust what I feel inside me. I have to. It speaks to me so strongly. It speaks my truth to me. It tells me all will be OK, all will be well. It tells me I’m finally on the right path, finally feeling my way towards the destiny I now see that I was veered away from, at some distant bifurcation in my path.
Now I see I’m squarely on my right path again, it’s an easy matter to trust myself, to trust the small voice inside me that whispers what I want to do, where I want to go. I trust it so strongly, now, that I hear it even though it only whispers to me. It doesn’t need to do more than whisper. I’m tempted by its potential, enthralled by its suggestions. It has me in its thrall. I trust it, I trust me. It, I’m, not going to let me down. Self-trust. It’s the only thing we have. Truly. The only thing we can ever rely on with any great certainty.
I now give thanks, daily, to all the problems that have befallen me over recent months. [Perhaps this is what people call forgiveness?] Were it not for these – which are part of my story, after all – I would not have come to this realisation, would not have reached this pinnacle of trust, this almost blind trust in the Power of Me. Out of chaos came, comes, beauty. I can feel it. It’s on its way. And I’m ready for it. Arms open, head held high. Ready and waiting for my true destiny to unfold.