Joining in with Five Minute Friday: this week’s word is:
I’m still alive. I often comfort myself with that thought. I’m still here. Getting stronger by the day. As a friend says, “Stay strong. Make him wonder why you’re still smiling”. I seek solace, seek time alone to process everything, time to wonder at the marvel that is life and the processes that led me to this place at this time in my life. I’m open to leaving it all, now, in His hands, to see where He will take me, take us; I’ve had enough, to be honest, of carrying this weight alone. This weight that threatened to defeat me. I’m still sad, still angry, still completely aghast at what happened, but I’m open, now, to receiving other things in to my life. I’ve done my mourning – the hard bits – I’m several stages on in the grief process. I need to move on now. Move on to pastures new. New places (even if they’re not physical places; my mind has been well travelled these past few months; I’ve walked pieces of it I never knew existed and feel better for it). New things. A new life. A life with me at the helm. Still full of life. Still wanting to get the most out of life. I want, desperately want, to find happiness again. Genuine happiness. I can feel it in the air, like a butterfly circling me. It’s not quite landed yet but I know it will. I feel its wings fluttering lightly around me, flashing colours in to my sphere of existence. It’s still not alighted yet but it will, it will. I feel happier ever day. Every day a bit stronger. A bit more me. Still not 100% me, but, then, I argue with myself, I’m never going to be the me I was so now I have a chance to become the me I want to be. A giant, walking, canvas: still, waiting, open to any and all opportunities. Painting my future to the music of chance. Still dreaming. Still smiling. Somehow – miraculously – me-er than me.
[Photo by Griffin Keller from Unsplash]