I’ve found a diagnosis….

After many hours of soul searching….

…it seems I have…

….eleutheromania….

“…an intense and irresistible desire for freedom”…

Best

It’s an acute case. Has been keeping me awake at night. Stopping me living fully. Stopping me being all I am, all I can be. Keeping me less when what I want is to be more, so much more. 

The only possible cure, I’ve decided, is to unshackle myself from old patterns of behaviour and ways of thinking. To ‘Shake it Up! Shake it Up!’ as Taylor Swift sings (in my mind)….

“Release the real Helen” (I can hear myself shouting, my soul fainting, giddy at the mere thought of what’s to come!)….

I can’t wait for you to arrive, 2015

…and, more’s to the point, I can’t wait to see the end of 2014, my annus horribilis….

For those of you who’ve been kind – so kind – to take the time to ask where I’ve been (which was, is, so much appreciated xxx) – I’m fine! Just been taking a break…spending some quality time with my littles…bouncing on trampolines at 2am (and being told off by security guards – don’t ask! Although I will say that I think I earned enough ‘Cool Mama’ points to see me through to, oh, about June time!)….searching for a suitable ‘woman on a swing’ image in Google (oh my goodness….who knew (or even suspected!) that there’d be so many kinky ‘woman on a swing’ images to battle through to find one image I could use for this post???!!!)…..eating far too much……(yuck, double yuck)…..writing mammoth draft blog posts (mammoth quantities – there’s something about rest that makes my brain fire on all fronts!)…..planting seeds…..playing dolls and PES2015 (who knew it was so cool?! and that the players look so much like their real counterparts?! Freaky!)…..bike riding…baking….tidying….decluttering…bird watching (weaver birds building their nest – that’s a lesson in humility if ever I needed one!)….writing my “new life manifesto”….(oh yeah, baby…!)….basically doing a million (and one) offline things that’ve kept me occupied…..

…but I’m missing you guys and am raring to get back in the saddle (as it were), with my writing muscles chomping at the bit (how many mixed metaphors there??!!)…..

I’ll be back with a vengeance in the next few days…with my ‘2015 Word’ post…

Have a wonderful, wonderful New Years Eve/New Years Day and I’ll see you all soon xxxx

P.S. Do you think I can manage to recreate a winged eyeliner look? And should I sport one in bright blue (Oh, Sophie Dahl, how I love thee)? [These are important questions on New Years Eve’s Eve, darlings! Given, however, that the tutorial involves scotch tape to be placed near my eye lashes, I’m thinking I better give it a miss….(even if we are planning on spending New Years Eve watching The Spiderwick Chronicles – excitement all round! – my date with a glass of champagne, a box of chocolates and The Great Gatsby shortly afterwards requires I make some sort of an effort!!!!]

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34 thoughts on “I’ve found a diagnosis….

  1. I’ve found freedom in a place I should have expected –

    Una salus victus nullam sperare.

    Being up against a medical wall, so to speak (the kind where they hand you a blindfold and a cigarette), I have to put aside the civilized man, and fight my last battle – to stay active, to stay focused, to be a part of life – with a large measure of ruthlessness.

    First and foremost toward myself. The worse I feel, the harder I push. But it leaks out onto others, a sort of soul acid that corrodes their compassion.

    It’s liberating, yes, but it also dismays those who love me, and are nonplussed that I’m willing to kick myself bloody just to spit in death’s eye.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Oh Andrew, I’m kind of unsure how to reply….everything I could say seems rather trite.I admire your bravery, wanting to *live* every minute you can…(I feel so sorry I used the word ‘diagnosis’ in my post in such a flippant manner…I paused over ‘publish’ for a good long time)….You say you found freedom from the phrase, “die even as we rush in to the midst of battle”…..dying whilst really living, I guess that’s one of the better options (and so many many people never really live, do they?). Am thinking of you, wishing you as much peace as you can muster. Unable to imagine your anguish but admiring your bravery. Sending you any spare courage I have (and as many beautiful moments as possible). [I sat, yesterday, on my settee, for what couldn’t have been for more than a few seconds, just watching the wind move the leaves on a colourful plant I have on the balcony…it was such a joyous, joyous, moment. I realised that what I really want, for myself, are more of those mindful – joyous – moments, those moments where you realise, in an instant and so so deeply, that life – life itself – is miraculous in its perfection. I sort of felt, in an instant, that moment, that it wouldn’t matter how many of those moments I have but, rather, that what mattered was how much joy I took from the moment. Which led me to thinking about my responsibility to offer as much joy as *I can* to the world, wherever possible]. What is life – a good life – if not a series of joy-filled moments that make our hearts sing and our souls dance?

      Like

  2. alexa says:

    Wonderful to hear the energy in your voice, and that you are finding it! Here’s to more of you in 2015!

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Thanks Alexa….and absolutely, here’s to more of “me” in 2015 (you read my thoughts and my mind so well!)…have a lovely evening/day tomorrow…xxx

      Like

  3. Sian says:

    Wishing you all good things for 2015. I hope it’s everything you could hope for and a lot more besides

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Thanks Sian….my hopes are pretty big but I’m welcoming ‘a lot more besides’ with open arms xxxx [Loved your post today! Any post from you with a LO is a winner in my book ;)]

      Like

  4. Liz says:

    Happy New Year!! I love this. This is great. Just perfect. I think many of us hold ourselves back. A new year is always a fresh start. Even though we know there will be bumps ahead, in the midst of the great, it’s just a nice time to reflect and prepare for adventures to come. I wish you grand, beautiful, “finding Helen” adventures! P.S. We “shake it off” a lot around here 😉

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hia…I’m not normally a big ‘resolutions’ person but, this year, I find I need to lay the groundwork for some pretty big changes that need to happen…..[on a lighter note, we’ve been Shaking It Off quite a lot today – my daughter can’t get enough of it and the laughter is *too precious*!!!!]

      Like

  5. Oh Helen – I can’t begin to tell you how much I LOVE this post!! I feel the hope joy and freedom of your very soul!! It’s a beautiful place and I’m so happy you’ve found it. I have a feeling you’re in for an absolutely wonderful year & it will be fun to watch it unfold dear Friend. Go Shake it Up!
    Happiest & Shiniest of New Years!

    Like

  6. Barbara says:

    LOVE your diagnosis…and hope you find that woman within!! She IS there – and you WILL find her! So, yes, SHAKE IT UP!! And do something awesome for YOU in the new year 2015…I almost forgot about the champagne or wine for tonight!

    I read your reply to Andrew – and those words are so beautiful and touching…Andrew – if you see this – praying for you in the new year; courage, strength, joy in the little things (and the big ones); whatever it is you need, praying God gives you that plus so much more!

    Thank you, Helen, for sharing your post; and for sharing your heart in your replies!

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Thanks Barbara….I can see her, I just need to give myself a good ‘Shake it up’ to get her out and to keep her on display….(she’s so very shy, having been cooped up for so long…)….

      Like

  7. Carrie Ann says:

    Glad you had a wonderful holiday!! Wishing you all the Best in the upcoming year!!

    Like

  8. Britney says:

    yay welcome back friend! i am glod you got to relax and rack up those “cool mom” points :]
    i hope you have a great new year!!

    Like

  9. Jill S. says:

    “…bouncing on trampolines at 2am (and being told off by security guards – don’t ask!” — How can I NOT ask? 🙂

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hi Jill….LOL…..there’s one near our home and I’ve always had an urge to go and jump on it in the middle of the night….we all woke up due to a very loud noise outside and the littles had trouble getting to sleep, so I decided that was the night to do it! We hurriedly changed out of pyjamas and raced to the trampoline and spent *the best* half hour or so jumping – and laughing – our hearts out! [I want more moments like this in my life!]

      Like

  10. Angel Jem says:

    Wow! You have found a whole load of Mojo for next year! And I was struck by the reply from and to Andrew. Bless him wherever he is. Good man for deciding to live in the face of death. Godspeed (which ever God/Deity/None you believe in) and let’s make 2015 a year of life, celebrated.

    Like

  11. Chelsea says:

    Love the trampoline story- such beautiful imagery of a moment of complete freedom! So glad you took so time to enjoy, and recharge even if we missed you terribly! Also, did I read correctly that you had a date? If so, I must know more! I hope this is a year of so much beauty and goodness and happiness for you friend!

    http://www.hollandsreverie.blogspot.com

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hia…..thank you so so much for your kind words….no, no date (can’t even contemplate when I might even BEGIN to start feeling ready for THAT!)….unless you count me, dolled up, pining after Leonardo DiCaprio’s Gatsby!!!!

      Like

  12. doris says:

    oh, hey! i wish you didn’t live so far across the pond. i would love to hang with you! i think i am declaring this the year of the bird. i could come watch your weaver birds. maybe you can take pictures for me this year. yay, 2015! i think it’s going to be a solid one. 🙂

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hia Doris…gardening, bird watching, scrapbooking…yep, pretty much would love to hang with you too 😉 I’m actually *really* frustrated because my lens just doesn’t have *quite* enough zoom to capture the weaver birds properly. I have some photos but they’re not good. I’m heading there again on Sunday so will *try* to get less grainy pictures that I can crop…and will send across…promise! [It was honestly such an amazing experience, just watching them weave….**BIRDS**…**WEAVING**….I’ve seen the nests close up (of a different species) and was absolutely amazed at how intricate they are (mind blowing…at the same level of mind-blowing-ness as leaf ants who FARM bacteria!!)…here’s hoping to a solid 2015 for us both (both Mamas and all “littles”!)….of changes for you and xxx for me (you’ll have to wait for my post in the next few days to find out about my word, LOL…how’s that for temptation marketing, LOL!!!!!)….off to check out your blog post which just popped up on Bloglovin – what is it about women and multi-tasking…why DO I need 20 tabs open in Safari?!!

      Like

  13. Your lady on swing remind me one day I went down to our local park. Got on the swing and swung. It was fun and I’m almost 55 years old.
    I stop in from Notes on paper. Hope you find a few minute stop on in for cup of coffee.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Love that you found a moment for the swing (it feels *so* good!)….any friend of Julie’s is welcome any time on my blog 😉 I did pop over for a sip of tea (not coffee): will be back for more when time allows (thanks for the invite!)….

      Like

  14. Rachel G says:

    May you have a 2015 of excellent awesomeness. And electric blue eyeliner is the best–it’s the only eyeliner I own, other that my silver glitter eyeliner, of course. “The Spiderwick Chronicles”, however, is one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen–I recall spending the entire movie clutching my brother’s arm and he refused to sit next to me in the theater after that.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hia Rachel! I have now purchased said electric blue eyeliner [and am now seriously considering silver glitter eyeliner ;)]….oh my, I now feel like the world’s worst Mama for letting my 8 year old watch it….(he was fascinated, transfixed – and has not stopped drawing images from the film since…..)….

      Like

  15. Lizelle says:

    Indeed I have missed you. It’s amazing how you can have not actually met someone and have them run through your mind so often. Somehow though I suspected this was the case, that you were off loving on the littles some (and maybe winning an inner battle or two ) so I wasn’t too worried. I knew your come back would be a cause for celebration 🙂

    Go. Fight. Win!

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hia…yep. Absolutely. Lovin on the littles and winning inner battles: pretty much summed it up! [And, yep, so strange how you can not have met someone but find yourself wondering if they’re OK and thinking ‘Ooh, I bet they’d like that’!!!!!!!!

      Like

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