FMF: Keep

Joining in with Five Minute Friday: this week’s word Keep.

Welcome

START

I’m a Single Mum. Domestic abuse survivor. Barely keeping my head above water most days: financial troubles; emotional ‘issues’; psychological problems related to the traumas we’ve lived; sadness that threatens to consume me; anger that’s deeply hurtful; shock and disbelief that still stop me in my tracks several times a day (wherever I am)…you name it, they’re there, baying at my door, wolves, hungry wolves.

Ready to feast on me.

But I have to keep those wolves at bay. Because I have two small children who are my world and I, my friends, am literally their worldI can’t afford to let any of the balls drop (even though I’m no juggler). I have to keep them all in the air, keep it all going. Keep myself together, first and foremost. Keep believing in the Power of Me. Keep seeing the good.

Keep rejecting the self pity vultures and the abject panic that sneaks up on me. I can’t even say it sneaks up on me when I least expect it, because I live with expecting it. When you live with uncertainty, constantly vigilant, abject panic is your dancing partner. One that treads on your feet with it’s heels and leaves you in the middle of the dance floor, alone, while everyone else is slow dancing with their partner. Abject panic, at this level, goes beyond fear, trepidation, straight to humiliation. It doesn’t pull it’s punches.

I have to keep my hope alive.

If I don’t, we’re lost.

Hope. My currently dearest friend.

I find hope everywhere: in my son’s blue eyes, in my daughter’s fierce love for life. In the bird overhead. In  tiny flowers and huge mountain ranges [for scale is no hindrance for hope]. In moonlight and mid-afternoon. In libraries and cups of teas. In water and my recent sneeze.

Abject panic becomes hope. And hope becomes life.

In this way we move on.

Not one day at a time. No. One day is too big.

One moment at a time.

One foot forward.

One baby step.

Keeping the wolves at bay.

My life is my life. 

No new wolf will be coming in and ruining that for us.

END.

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20 thoughts on “FMF: Keep

  1. betsydecruz says:

    Hello there. I’m visiting you back from FMF. Good decision to keep up your hope and keep those wolves at bay. One baby step at a time. We can do it! God’s grace to you today.

    Like

  2. Tarissa says:

    I love the way you describe hope as your dearest friend. Keep clinging tightly to that hope! Glad to be your FMF neighbor tonight. Hugs to you!

    Like

  3. zareenn3 says:

    Hey!

    Thanks for sharing this. It’s so personal, I don’t know what to say but yeah I know that feeling, when nothing makes sense and when you have to fight with yourself to keep on dreaming. I know that feeling, I have been there.

    Good luck with everything. I hope tomorrow’s a better day! 🙂

    Like

  4. Barbara says:

    My friend…just keep on taking those baby steps; live your life one moment at a time! You are a strong SURVIVOR and your little ones DO depend on you to keep those wolves at bay! I have said this many times: I love reading your heart; you share it so beautifully!

    Thank you for sharing…

    Like

  5. Anita Ojeda says:

    Hold fast to Hope my friend! Know that God loves you with an everlasting love. He has plans to give you hope and a future (it sounds like you’re already starting to receive the gift of hope). Continue on in God’s grace.

    Like

  6. Gabriele says:

    Keeping those wolves at bay is what I do so often. I am comforted by your hope and faith in life dealing you some better cards. Thank-you Helen.

    Like

  7. Ruth says:

    This is so true. Keeping moving forward is sometimes an inch-by-inch process. There have been times for me too when I’ve counted off five minutes… God, help me through the next five minutes… and by then the pounding heart has subsided, I can breathe again, I focus, I sense a peace of sorts start to descend… and the reeling stops. Hand in his, he pulls us through. May you always have more good days than bad, increasingly so. From FMF.

    Like

  8. Carrie Ann says:

    Again, your words have encouraged me. xx

    Like

  9. Sian says:

    I hope and expect that the panic will gradually start to recede. If I could wish anything for you right now, I would wish that.

    Like

  10. alexa says:

    And I hope that somewhere there will be someone who can help you with the residue of trauma and the high alert with which it has naturally left you, Helen. Coping with fear is very tiring – I know you will be taking care of yourself too.

    Like

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