Joining in with Five Minute Friday: this week’s word Keep.
I’m a Single Mum. Domestic abuse survivor. Barely keeping my head above water most days: financial troubles; emotional ‘issues’; psychological problems related to the traumas we’ve lived; sadness that threatens to consume me; anger that’s deeply hurtful; shock and disbelief that still stop me in my tracks several times a day (wherever I am)…you name it, they’re there, baying at my door, wolves, hungry wolves.
Ready to feast on me.
But I have to keep those wolves at bay. Because I have two small children who are my world and I, my friends, am literally their world. I can’t afford to let any of the balls drop (even though I’m no juggler). I have to keep them all in the air, keep it all going. Keep myself together, first and foremost. Keep believing in the Power of Me. Keep seeing the good.
Keep rejecting the self pity vultures and the abject panic that sneaks up on me. I can’t even say it sneaks up on me when I least expect it, because I live with expecting it. When you live with uncertainty, constantly vigilant, abject panic is your dancing partner. One that treads on your feet with it’s heels and leaves you in the middle of the dance floor, alone, while everyone else is slow dancing with their partner. Abject panic, at this level, goes beyond fear, trepidation, straight to humiliation. It doesn’t pull it’s punches.
I have to keep my hope alive.
If I don’t, we’re lost.
Hope. My currently dearest friend.
I find hope everywhere: in my son’s blue eyes, in my daughter’s fierce love for life. In the bird overhead. In tiny flowers and huge mountain ranges [for scale is no hindrance for hope]. In moonlight and mid-afternoon. In libraries and cups of teas. In water and my recent sneeze.
Abject panic becomes hope. And hope becomes life.
In this way we move on.
Not one day at a time. No. One day is too big.
One moment at a time.
One foot forward.
One baby step.
Keeping the wolves at bay.
My life is my life.
No new wolf will be coming in and ruining that for us.