When evil forces its way in to your home

Marooned-BrokenCompass-300x300

I’ve been away for longer than expected.

I’m still not OK but am missing my little online space and my wonderfully creative, and supportive, online community.

So I’m posting today.

I can’t guarantee I’ll be posting regularly but I wanted to post today.

I’ve had a rough few weeks. It’s still all a blur, really, a jumble of nasty, horrible, icky things I don’t want to think about. But that seem to be forcing themselves in to our lives somehow or other (memories that make me drop my teacup mid-slurp; so-vivid dreams that make me feel as if I’ve been in the ring with Mohammed Ali and lasted a good few rounds; things the children say, as they process it all themselves, things that bring in the tears, tears that haven’t been easy to stop).

A pilot. Burnt to death.

12 men, killed in the most gruesome way. In a scene so staged it looked like something out of a film. [I think that’s the hardest part of it all to deal with; it was so staged…an evil act thought out, meditated upon, filmed for goodness sake…..for all the world to see. Heavens above….where are we, where is humankind heading?]

And in the middle of all this, all this stuff I literally can’t deal with hearing about, Friday 13th, we woke up with a start. 0630. He’d forced himself in to our home, ran directly for me and attempted to – well, I don’t know what exactly – kill me? Seriously maim me? – I’m trying not to think too hard on what it was he was aiming to do….

I’m OK. The bruises are subsiding, not so painful any more.

The emotional bruises? Those ones kick me around, still, every day, with absolutely no sign of them relenting.

I have police protection now. So, whilst he hasn’t yet been caught, I do feel safer (there’s a police station less than half a block away).

The stuff in my head won’t go away, however.

Pilot. 12 men dressed in orange. Him, with eyes that bore no resemblance whatsoever to the eyes I’d fallen in love with. A jumble of hate, of evil, of things I don’t want to know about. 

And worse…

My children witnessed it all and my son was pushed aside, violently.

He’s 8.

No child should have to see that.

My 8 year old? He tells me he doesn’t want to live.

How does a Mum respond to that? {Tell me, you fu**ing idiot, I want to shout, to shout after him, to ask him what I tell my 8 year old son when he tells me he doesn’t want to live anymore, to shout so loud, that he hears it wherever he is, that he has to hear it, the coward….and then I get angry, all over again, because I’m not an angry person, I don’t hold grudges, I don’t shout or swear….I get angry all over again, because he makes me feel emotions I don’t want to feel and makes my son feel helpless…..helpless at 8? God, please, literally….help us. Please]…..

…………….

We’re healing. It’s difficult (Understatement Of The Year award goes to Helen from I Will Bloom!)….

It’s all got so mixed up in my head…a pilot burned alive, 12 men killed, him entering with the specific aim of trying to hurt us….evil, evil, evil, everywhere I look.

Evil. Pure evil.

Evil forced its way in to our home and made us feel unsafe in the place that should be the safest place of all.

Evil.

Evil.

Organised. Premeditated evil.

I’m reading the Bible. Clinging to Ephesians 6: 10-18 (“Put on the full armour of God…when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground….Stand firm….belt of truth….breastplate…feet fitted in readiness……it comes to me, in my vivid dreams, rings in my ears…..fights away the orange, the hand, the eyes I see so vividly, clamouring towards us….).

Am reading anything on overdrive. A book by my side, my constant companion. Trying to keep the black dogs away, waking up at 3am in a sweat, vivid dream still beating in my chest, checking – like a woman obsessed – the locks, the windows, my littles, checking….a frantic rhythm whose beat seems to calm me, calm me, until I’m awake again, an hour later, up, checking it all again, checking we’re safe, that they’re safe, that we haven’t been breached. Mum guilt. Trauma survivor’s lot. Whatever it can be labelled, I’m really getting tired of it and would just like to sleep properly now, please. 

I wasn’t able to stop him entering our home and attacking me.

I wasn’t able to stop evil enter our home, touching my children’s lives.

The world suddenly feels like it’s running off keel for me, like there’s suddenly something so not right about it all.

He seems to have knocked my compass right out of me.

And I dislike him a great deal for that.

For the ultimate cruelty, on top of a million previous other cruelties.

But, you know, when your compass has gone askew, you can sometimes see clearer than before, you’re not so guided by the ties that bound you previously (however much you knew those ties hadn’t been valid for a long, long time).

He has now been reported to the police for the multiple acts of abuse hurled towards the three of us without a second thought as to the short-, medium- and long-term repercussions of those abuses.

My compass knocked all askew allowed me to see more clearly than I had for a long, long time.

He aint gonna change.

He aint gonna get any better. Not without help.

And only he can decide when he’s ready for that help.

In the meantime, I have two children I have to protect.

For that’s a mother’s primal job: to protect her children.

He has engaged in criminal acts against us.

Acts that, under law, should be punished.

I now wash my hands of any remaining ‘poor him’ thoughts that might have lingered before I became compass-less.

The decision has been made.

That’s starting to feel like a new compass with which to navigate out from.

[I apologise if this is hard reading for some….I wrote, just wrote, haven’t even looked back on it but somehow feel I need to publish it…..]

If anyone comes across this who’s in an abusive relationship and is (as I was) hesitating about reporting the abuse to the police…..my only advice (learnt the hard way, through several years worth of abuse) is think of yourself, of your children, go – however you can – and get help. Report him. Get out. However you can. You, your children, don’t have to live with it and your life, however difficult it will be once you’re out, will be abuse-free. Your children will have an abuse-free childhood. Your children need to have – have a right to have – an abuse-free childhood. 

As a very good friend recently said to me, if you don’t gift your children anything else, that’s the one gift you have to give them: a home life free of abuse.

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23 thoughts on “When evil forces its way in to your home

  1. chelsea says:

    Oh my dear Helen- I am so thankful you wrote, you shared. A voice only you can speak and that is so gut wrenchingly honest and profound. Helpful to so many who find themselves here. I love you sweet friend- and am praying for you and those kiddos daily!

    http://www.hollandsreverie.blogspot.com

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  2. OH Helen – biggest hugs, prayers, supportive thoughts sent your way!! I cannot even begin to imagine what you’re going through, but I know, just by reading what you put out that touches my soul, that you are strong. That you will wear that armor strong and proud and without fear and will do what you need to for your children and yourself. Maybe you need to think about investing in a security system too? Please know you have loving and supportive thoughts sent from afar. Evil only wins if you let it. Stay strong. xoxo

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  3. I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this, Helen.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  4. Lizelle says:

    I think of you every day since we last spoke. Sending goodness your way my dear friend. One of my favourite bible verses is ‘no weapon formed against you shall prosper’ I remember listening to a preacher talk about this, how he brought to my attention that it doesn’t say weapons won’t be formed but instead that they will NOT prosper. you may be broken now…in this omen to healing…but you are NOT defeated.

    Love you.

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  5. Sian says:

    With you every step of the way x

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  6. Barbara says:

    So sorry you had to endure this abusived evil in your own home; and that your littles had to witness it all. I have been thinking of you and them often since our last correspondence; and have you on my heart, in my prayers. You ARE a strong woman, and have your children’s safety in your hands – and God has you ALL in His hands.

    Thank you for sharing this traumatic experience – so we can all be “there” with you in Spirit and in prayer…

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  7. Jennifer says:

    I’m so sorry Helen. My thoughts are with you.

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  8. Gabriele says:

    My heart goes out to you. I prayer for your welfare.

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  9. alexa says:

    Thinking of you, Helen, and wishing only healing and good things for you …

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  10. Rachel G says:

    How terrifying. And heartbreaking. You’re doing the right thing by letting your story be known. Some of my dearest friends come from homes where domestic abuse is common, normal–it’s such a part of the culture that it’s hard for anything within the culture to speak out about it–but it needs to be spoken about, and needs to be stopped.

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  11. Liz says:

    Oh my goodness. I don’t even know what to write. I will say big prayers for you and your family. Stay as strong as possible, and know that you are surrounded with His love and others as well ❤

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  12. hopecarrart says:

    OH NO!! Helen, not again. I had not realized you were away, as I have been away too. My heart hurts so much for you and you were doing so good trying to establish your life for you and the children, doing what everyone does who want love and peace for each other. What will happen next? Can the authorities put him behind bars? It is sad beyond words that your child has been so traumatized. He will need help, you will all need help. You must continue to write, to help others through your words – it is your gift. I only wish there was a solution for the evil you know and write about, the kind I have not physically experienced, the fear for my life and my children’s. I will pray that you are able to rest and to heal and that angels surround you to protect you, always.

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  13. Eva says:

    Helen, I’m so so sorry. I don’t know how you stay so strong and brave with everything that has happened. You are such an amazing person and momma. I’ll be thinking of you and your littles. I hope you’re able to get back on your feet and with a good sleep soon!

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  14. Zoe Rose says:

    I’m so sorry, Helen. I am praying for you and for your little ones. Keep writing and processing, take time to care for yourself. God is with you, keep depending on him and his armour. Zoe xx

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  15. ashleycalderandthethingsthatshine says:

    Oh my goodness… what a terrible, awful, horrible thing for you to have to deal with. I’m so sorry.. and so thankful you are so brave. Brave, for doing the right thing, and brave for sharing. Thank you.

    On a much lighter note — you asked about the floral paper on my layout, “new year, new flowers”.. it’s by Crate Paper. At least two years old. And unfortunately I cannot find which collection it was from. It has a cream/kraft chevron zig zag pattern on the back. I thought it might have been from On Trend or Acorn Ave but I can’t find it online anywhere.

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  16. Your story wasn’t too much for me. I understand the need to just get it all out there and WRITE. YOUR. HEART. OUT.

    I am encouraged that you are cleaning to Jesus through all this crazy SH*T. That’s the best you can be doing for yourself and your kids. My prayers go out to all of you, particularly your son. I pray that something beautiful will happen for all of you.

    Keep writing what you need to write. There are many women who need to hear your stories and be encouraged through you.

    You are strong. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. 🙂

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  17. *clinging, not cleaning

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  18. Carrie Ann says:

    Oh Helen – I had been thinking about you the whole time you were gone. Each day looking to see if there was a post from you, pushing the “what if” thoughts to the back of my head, never imagining anything like this happening. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I’m glad you were able to get it all out in your writing, and brave enough to share so openly. Continue to share you thoughts, or at least get them out of your head and onto paper, even if you don’t share them with anyone. But know, through your writing you continue to show your strength and love for your littles, and your words will and have encouraged somebody. Don’t let him take that away from you. You and your littles will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, and if I could I’d send you all a box of hugs!! xxxx

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  19. Angel Jem says:

    Oh my Lord. What a horrible experience for you all. Go hug those children and stay safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    And well done for putting this down on paper (virtual paper, obs). Sometimes you just need to share.

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  20. Helen, I am SO SO SAD for you and your littles. That is absolutely horrifying and terrifying. I am so sorry you had to experience that. I am so glad you wrote so that you can feel the arms of your online community wrap you up in a warm blanket. I wish I had better words to express to you. I was worried about you when you were gone and told my husband I hoped nothing had happened. Am praying for you now. And praying for your littles. I am so glad you reported him and have police protection now. That is so traumatizing to have someone come into your home as it is supposed to be your safest place. I am praying angels guard your home. I am praying justice is served on him. I would like to rip his face off….
    I am sure you are having some PTSD symptoms, don’t hesitate to see a doctor and ask for xanax to help you sleep and don’t hesitate to reach out to others for help and for therapy for you and the littles. Remember to breathe deeply. So glad you have your books as companions. I use my books too when I am overwhelmed with fear and anxiety.
    I’m just so grieved for you Helen. You don’t deserve this. You are ENOUGH for you littles. You are resilient. And you are strong. You bring so much encouragement to so many. I know your spring is coming, your sunrise is coming, your rescue is on it’s way. Praying it comes quickly. Love you.

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  21. BambiLeigh says:

    We’re all behind you x

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  22. I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to say anything halfheartedly. During the time that I’ve gotten to know you you’ve honestly, genuinely become one of the strongest women I know but haven’t met. All I want to say is that I’m thinking about you and sending love your way. Stay strong and don’t give up. ♥

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