Five Minute Friday: Gather

Joining in with Five Minute Friday: this week’s word Gather. 

Welcome

Start.

I have a running commentary in my head. One foot in front of the other, Helen, gather all your remaining strength, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this. Pull the shattered pieces back in to myself, like magnetised mercury rolling back towards me, that scene in Terminator flashing before my eyes. I feel like that…I can feel I’ve still got my power button flashing, but I’m in pieces, pieces distributed all over the place, all over time, all over the world. Bits of me in England, when I’m younger, sitting amongst the daffodils in the park, in Greece, running along the beach, my feet in the swells, snow-topped mountain in front of me, majestic Nature energising me deep within. Then there are pieces further back in time, with my Gran, her holding my hand, telling me it’ll all be OK, or with my Grandad, making something in his workshop, him showing me the importance of planning and precision and dedication. Or the bits of me I left somewhere along the way whilst leaving England: friends, business, home, family, a whole way of life. A nice, simple, enjoyable life. Or the bit of me I left when I was in Cath Kidston with my brother, just before we travelled back here: tears rolling down my face, full panic attack at the sight of her London scenes, painted so gayly. The thought that they don’t have Cath Kidston shops where we’ve been dragged back to simply too much, in that moment, for me to bear. Thankful for my brother. For his fullness. Or the bit I left when he hit me the first time. Or the next time. Or the next. Bits of me, all over, me so fragmented, so very fragmented, shards from a bomb, really. But what he doesn’t know is that these pieces are, indeed, magnetised. Magnetised by love, bonded by kindness and clarity of purpose. By Divine, maternal, strength. The bits will all find their way back. I find they come when I’m least expecting it. A beautiful memory – all mine (he can’t take that away), a smell that reminds me of home and that strengthens my will to return, my knowledge that we will return. A sudden realisation that I am strong, that I can. That I will. Those little pieces come flooding back, little by little, but even a trickle provides life force. As a friend wrote to me the other day, “No weapon forged against you will prevail”. Rebuilding bit by bit. Shattered pieces shattered again. It’s all still there, I just need to gather: all the pieces and all the necessary strength. Life is beautiful. Too beautiful not to fight for. So kicking and screaming I fight. Because I’m ready to fight now. The last punch launched against me my call to arms. Let the full force of the law decide his fate. He knocked the situation well out of my hands as he tried to knocked his anger out through me.

End.

[A little context for the piece; we have, as a family, experienced domestic abuse….]

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27 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday: Gather

  1. Debby says:

    Helen, I’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced at the hands of loved ones. But I am thankful for your resolve to be strong, to prevail. I like the words your friend share with you as they reminded me of something I heard last night. It’s from an old story in the bible where good guys were out numbered by the bad guys. The second in charge said to the leader, what will we do, they are a great army. His leader, the man of God, told him not to worry for there were more with them than the others. He didn’t mean in the visible way, but with God on our side, we cannot fail. He fights for us and I know he his fighting for you. For your strength and resolve to heal. Tender words you have shared, Helen. May they bring healing to you and all those who hear.

    Like

  2. Susan says:

    Wow, Helen; this is really powerful. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to live the story of domestic violence, and thankful you are out of it now. You are strong; you can; you will.

    Like

  3. Gabriele says:

    “And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left and my spirit shall be in your heart and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Thank you, Gabriele…..I turned around yesterday to find a perfect white fluffy feather on the floor in front of me: just what I needed to see…..have been reading your blog posts, and enjoying them…will be back to commenting shortly….it has just seemed such an effort to do so (if you know what I mean)…..everything is such hard work at the moment….

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  4. helen, it didn’t take very far into your FMF to tell that you had suffered from abuse at some point. my guess was in your marriage since it sounded like your childhood was happy. i quickly guessed that england was your home b/c of some spellings:) (we lived in jamaica for 7 yrs.) nice to meet you. thanks for stopping by my blog today:) great post!

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    • iwillbloom says:

      Thank you, Martha. Yes, a very very (idyllic) childhood, thankfully. Wow, Jamaica: you must have many an interesting tale to tell! Thank you for your comment. So much appreciated.

      Like

  5. Barbara says:

    Beautiful, yet heart-wrenching words, my friend! I feel your pain; I share your pain; I give it all up to the One who can take this pain from you. I know you are a strong and courageous woman, with your beautiful children to shield for what harm you can. You are their armor and have done what could be done for them. I am so sorry you had to endure such abuse from those you felt only love for…until…

    Praying for you and your littles and your comfort, safety, peace, whatever you need to get through this, with God’s help.

    My words aren’t adequate; my heart is there with you, Helen! My arms surround you in a loving hug…thank you for sharing your heart with us again!

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  6. alexa says:

    Continuing to think of you with warmth and caring, Helen. Hoping you can access the support you need to deal with the memories.And that you can hold on to the sense of your essential wholeness – we never lose this.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Thanks, Alexa…..it did feel, at many points in the last few weeks, that I was losing my sense of my essential wholeness, and it was very frightening….but I’m feeling much stronger again…..thank goodness….

      Like

  7. Angel Jem says:

    Gather yourself. You are strong, you will bloom and we will help you.

    Although the lack of a decent Cath Kidston shop….. well, that’s a real suffering point there.

    Like

  8. blondeusk says:

    Brave lady x

    Like

  9. Mary Geisen says:

    Wow! Your pain is evident but your strength shines through! Thank you for sharing from such a deep place. Blessings!

    Like

  10. betsydecruz says:

    May the Lord bless you, and keep you, and cause His face to shine upon you, Helen. I’m so sorry for the abuse you’ve experienced. I’m praying right now for total healing and for protection.

    Like

  11. micey says:

    Oh Helen. Kee[ gathering your pieces because you are fully known and fully loved by a Father who created you and knew you before you were born. You are becoming who you were meant to be and you are healing everyday. And you are not alone. Us survivors need to stick together! ❤

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  12. Tarissa says:

    Praying continued strength and healing for you and your children, Helen. May you feel the Father’s love in ways large and small as He binds up all your broken places. Thank you for stopping by my blog this week. I’m always so grateful to connect with you.

    Like

  13. Sian says:

    One foot in front of the other..

    We have a shop here. Sian’s Special Mail Order Service is pretty reliable 🙂

    Like

  14. Eva says:

    I know you’ll get through all this, Helen… I just know it! And you’ll be able to go back and have that beautiful life you desire and deserve. Thinking of you with so much loving energy.

    Like

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