Five minute Friday: Door

Joining in with Five Minute Friday: this week’s word Door.

(I missed you all last week, a lot, my FMF friends!)

Welcome

Here goes…

START

The first time it got physical, it was the door. That’s what happened. He shoved me against the door and I banged my head against it. I was so shocked, it didn’t actually register with me, the fact that he’d just hit me. Then you somehow, somehow, rationalise it, saying that obviously he didn’t mean it, obviously it was just a one off, obviously it wasn’t as bad as it actually was…..until boom! again, a door (what is it with him and doors?)….

This time shoved in my face, twice, in rapid succession. Bruises this time, visible ones this time. Ones that weren’t easy to hide. On my face. I could see them every time I looked in the mirror, reminding me what he’d done, the bruises somehow giving me courage not to rationalise it this time. But, in common with other women in this situation, it took many more incidents, many more bruises and bangs and bumps and pulls and depravity for me to find the absolute strength and fearless courage to say no more.

The door then became a symbol of loss (of a marriage) and of new beginnings (as a now non-battered single Mum). He walked out, walked through it (the one he’d hit me in the face with) and that was it. Freedom.

A freedom that began with months of confusion, haze, despair, fear, anxiety. Months of worry, pain, grief (for you do still grieve for the loss of a marriage, even if he’s an abuser), shock, guilt…..months and months of negative emotions, running round my head, until I created a place in my mind, the door firmly closed, a place where I decided I’d store those memories, to control them (otherwise they’d control me). A place for the dirty secrets of abuse, for all the things he did that made me feel less than me. Less than all I am and can be.

That door’s kept locked. And that locked door? It’s opened new doors, new doors I could never even have imagined would even appear.

New futures. New hopes. New dreams. A new life. For us all.

What’s the saying? “When one door closes, another one opens”? It’s so true…..there’ll be storms, there’ll be upset and heartache and frustration and bad times and tears and pain, but we sometimes need to live those experiences to come through them renewed, ready for what will come next, for all of what will come next (for it will be a lot and, if we weren’t prepared, we’d miss a lot of this a lot!).

We have to have lived all of the bad to have learned all we needed to learn to prepare ourselves for this next.

And the next will be so wondrous, so joyful and so unexpected that it’ll make you lose the key for that closed door in your mind….why even keep the key to that place (you’ll realise)? You’ve learnt the lessons you needed to learn, you don’t need to keep the key. Let it go. Let them go. Let those memories go. You’re moving forwards now. Forwards again on a path that gives you happiness. That makes you laugh so hard, you cry (because, you realise, as you’re laughing, that you hadn’t laughed like that in a long, long time and that it feels so good to laugh!)….

Soak it up. Bask in it. It’s yours. Your life is yours. To live. To love. To savour.

END

[Might I ask you to pop over to my Kindness Counts Friday post this week – with links to how to donate to the relief efforts in Nepal? Any help, however small, will make a difference…and Heaven knows they’re going to need lots of help in the days, months and years to come. Thank you.]

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Five minute Friday: Door

  1. joanneviola says:

    Helen, I am sorry for what you have gone through. You are a brave woman. May God use your story to open doors (no pun truly intended) for you to share with others to find courage and encouragement and strength. So grateful our God redeems every situation in our lives. Blessings!

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hi Joanne….thank you for taking the time to comment…I somehow feel it’s important to share my experiences (even though it’s uncomfortable to do so), because I know how important it is to not feel alone when you’re in such a situation….if my testimony helps someone else going through what I have/am, I feel it’s worth it…..thank you…have a lovely weekend…Helen

      Like

  2. Barbara says:

    Oh my friend! What you have been through!!! I am so sorry…and I am soooooo happy that door is CLOSED and LOCKED and you have learned and you have NEW DOORS to open to a wondrous LOVELY live ahead of you and your littles!!

    Thank you for sharing your life; your heart and soul!

    Like

  3. Gabriele says:

    Yes, a door has many symbolic meanings for you. You express those so well. I’m so glad you are back this week. I missed you, too.

    Like

  4. Julie Kirk says:

    That was quite some 5 minutes work you did there H. Bravo you. x

    BTW: I came across this blog this week and – initially because of the name – I thought I’d share it with you here. Having gone back and had a little further read around, I think you might enjoy some of the writing/imagery too: http://www.doorwaystraveler.com/

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      I *love* this 5 minute burst of writing prompted by the FMF word….I’ll take a look at the blog over the weekend – thank you! Can’t wait to have a look (must be good if you’ve taken the time to recommend it!)

      Like

  5. Anita Ojeda says:

    I’m so sorry for what you have gone through, Helen. I’m glad that you’ve come out of the despair and can now start discovering the new doors opening up for you. May God continue to guide and lead you on your journey!

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hi Anita….thank you so much…yes, despair is definitely behind me now…(although it does rear its head sometimes)….have a lovely weekend! Helen

      Like

  6. blondeusk says:

    Oh Helen, am so sorry for what you have to endure. You seem so strong and I have so much respect for you 🙂

    Like

  7. Helen, my heart hurts for you and what you’ve gone through. Thank you for sharing. Your post gives hope that things don’t end with a separation from the abuser. It can lead to new beginnings and better living. I can only imagine the process. I so appreciate your post today.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hi Jeanne…..yes, things don’t end (however dark life seems once all you knew has been shattered)….and the process is very – very – difficult, but life is so, so, sweet now…I hadn’t realised just how oppressive even being near him was……(aside from the violence)…..it’s like a huge space has opened up in my life that’s allowed me to *live* again….

      Like

  8. Sometimes I try to imagine what it would be like to have gone through something like that…and I just can’t. It’s truly beyond my imagination how someone you’re supposed to love and trust could do that to you. I continue to be amazed by your strength and courage.
    Keep opening those new doors – and never look back. xoxo
    **Love your idea for links in your kindness post to help Nepal!! I already donated through my paypal. Blessed weekend to you dear Friend.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hi Carrie Ann – that’s been (is) the worst of it…..trying to rationalise how someone could do something like this……I rationalise it, knowing he’s ill, but it’s not a help….16 years of my life, a sham, basically….it’s hard to deal with that. And, yes, that’s the key: not looking back….(great that you donated….you have a lovely weekend too…Helen xxx)

      Like

  9. Joy Lenton says:

    Helen, this is such a heavy outpouring and release. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through and had to endure. But these words? They show how far you have come on your healing journey and the deep inner strength you have gained. For that I rejoice! May you continue to walk through open doors of healing and opportunity in your walk with God. And in the sharing of some of your story and pain you are helping to set others free. Hold on to the lessons learnt and be encouraged by the distance you have travelled. Blessings of rest and peace for you and your little ones. 🙂 x

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Hi Joy, thanks for taking the time to comment. Yes, we have come far. Still early days, but I can feel the change in the air, a ‘deep down’ shift, that’s empowering in itself. Thank you, Helen

      Liked by 1 person

  10. alexa says:

    I am moved, as always, by your fierce determination to walk though into new spaces, Helen – and may they be filled with kindness, laughter and light.

    Like

    • iwillbloom says:

      Alexa….I have discovered “hope is stronger than fear” (as I read somewhere the other day)….I am nothing is not the sum of all my determination! (Thank you: your kind words mean a lot xxx)

      Like

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