Joining in with Five Minute Friday: this week’s word Door.
(I missed you all last week, a lot, my FMF friends!)
The first time it got physical, it was the door. That’s what happened. He shoved me against the door and I banged my head against it. I was so shocked, it didn’t actually register with me, the fact that he’d just hit me. Then you somehow, somehow, rationalise it, saying that obviously he didn’t mean it, obviously it was just a one off, obviously it wasn’t as bad as it actually was…..until boom! again, a door (what is it with him and doors?)….
This time shoved in my face, twice, in rapid succession. Bruises this time, visible ones this time. Ones that weren’t easy to hide. On my face. I could see them every time I looked in the mirror, reminding me what he’d done, the bruises somehow giving me courage not to rationalise it this time. But, in common with other women in this situation, it took many more incidents, many more bruises and bangs and bumps and pulls and depravity for me to find the absolute strength and fearless courage to say no more.
The door then became a symbol of loss (of a marriage) and of new beginnings (as a now non-battered single Mum). He walked out, walked through it (the one he’d hit me in the face with) and that was it. Freedom.
A freedom that began with months of confusion, haze, despair, fear, anxiety. Months of worry, pain, grief (for you do still grieve for the loss of a marriage, even if he’s an abuser), shock, guilt…..months and months of negative emotions, running round my head, until I created a place in my mind, the door firmly closed, a place where I decided I’d store those memories, to control them (otherwise they’d control me). A place for the dirty secrets of abuse, for all the things he did that made me feel less than me. Less than all I am and can be.
That door’s kept locked. And that locked door? It’s opened new doors, new doors I could never even have imagined would even appear.
New futures. New hopes. New dreams. A new life. For us all.
What’s the saying? “When one door closes, another one opens”? It’s so true…..there’ll be storms, there’ll be upset and heartache and frustration and bad times and tears and pain, but we sometimes need to live those experiences to come through them renewed, ready for what will come next, for all of what will come next (for it will be a lot and, if we weren’t prepared, we’d miss a lot of this a lot!).
We have to have lived all of the bad to have learned all we needed to learn to prepare ourselves for this next.
And the next will be so wondrous, so joyful and so unexpected that it’ll make you lose the key for that closed door in your mind….why even keep the key to that place (you’ll realise)? You’ve learnt the lessons you needed to learn, you don’t need to keep the key. Let it go. Let them go. Let those memories go. You’re moving forwards now. Forwards again on a path that gives you happiness. That makes you laugh so hard, you cry (because, you realise, as you’re laughing, that you hadn’t laughed like that in a long, long time and that it feels so good to laugh!)….
Soak it up. Bask in it. It’s yours. Your life is yours. To live. To love. To savour.
[Might I ask you to pop over to my Kindness Counts Friday post this week – with links to how to donate to the relief efforts in Nepal? Any help, however small, will make a difference…and Heaven knows they’re going to need lots of help in the days, months and years to come. Thank you.]